So here we are on the cusp of another glorious season of baseball, sunshine
and rampant bankruptcy. Even your old friend Primo here's had his economic ass
handed to him; the endorsement contracts have dried up and the Crystal's been
replaced with grandpappy's Moonshine. The Red Sox are trying to re-negotiate my
10 year contract, we can't afford fuel for the private jet, and my limo has two
flat tires. Sign of the times, brothers, but you know me, I can't complain ...
Seriously though, I'm hungry, hungry for baseball, and kudos go to this
years captains. A great season starts with these guys, and their skills have
resulted in a balanced set of teams that will surely lead to a fun and
competitive season. My sources tell me draft day is about as peaceful and stress-free
as charging the beach at Normandy, so these six captains are welcome on the
yacht anytime ... as long as the bank doesn't snag it first.
In case you live in the jungle and haven’t heard, the world's teetering on
the brink of collapse and we'll all be in breadlines before long, so I’d like
to propose a ‘Frugal Play’ bill for the 2009 season. Unfortunately the league
was denied government bailout money so we’re gonna have to cut costs wherever
possible, and the Frugal Play bill will form the foundation of a leaner,
greener RHMRBL … and apparently leaner and greener is all the rage …
Frugal Play 2009 ; A Good Buzz for
Harsh Times
1.
We all love dogs, their fun-loving nature, their easy
disposition, their care-free attitude. They run on the field in the middle of
play and we all have a good smile, haha, but times have changed. Even our
canine friends must contribute, so I say lets put them to work! The Frugal Play
bill proposes that mans best friends be trained to not only bring joy and happiness
to those around them, but also fetch errant foul balls with a tenacity and
diligence us humans could never achieve. Yes, those little white globes cost
more than Fido’s Purina chow, so never mind the slobber and get fetchin’!!!
2.
That weak liner you just hit, the one that stopped dead in the
buzz-cut infield grass? It’s your fault. Ya missed the weak curve and now
you’re trotting to first base, cursing the Louisville Slugger company and it’s
‘dead’ bat. Before you reach the dugout you’re planning your strategy, how
you’ll hit google when you get home, credit card in hand, and drop $400 bucks
on a brand new TPX with some’pop’. Well the Frugal Play bill proposes ya think
twice about that, think about the wife when she sees the credit card bill,
little Fido’s sad puppy eyes, and most of all, think about the children. Why not ... it's all the rage ...
3.
Similar to item 2; that slow roller you missed while
pretending to be Jeter? Don’t blame the glove. No matter how many times ya spit
in it, punch it, adjust the webbing, you’re still not Jeter. So unless your
last name is Levy, Cooper or Leitch, don’t blame the glove, and don’t buy a new
one. Especially you pitchers, because no matter how much glove-porn you emass,
ya still can’t field a bunt or catch a fly ball, so just move outta the way and
let the REAL players have a chance to make a play and help you not look stupid.
And yes, I’m talkin’ to you number 41 … I mean me … I mean ya get the point.
4.
A few months ago I turned 30 and decided to drink like I was
18. Oh what a night; the tequila flowed, the vodka spilled, and I tried my best
to turn back the clock through a constant flow of alcohol and unintelligible
blubbering. I drank like a pirate that night, and the next day I ached like
Randy Johnson’s back after two innings of work. You’d think I’d have learned my
lesson but nooo, Primo had to push it, to try and try again, and you know what?
I’m (almost) convinced I’m not 18 any more. So the final proposal of the Frugal
Play bill is one that cuts to the very core of league tenents and could spark
riots in the parking lot. It’s ugly, an abomination, downright sacrelidge, and
it is this; don’t drink so much. Think about all the money we’d save, all the
time we’d have without Stinky asking for our empties, all those little extras
we’ll be able to afford, like Muskoka cottages and diamonds for our loved ones.
And who knows, we just might feel a little younger.
And that’s that my friends. Hope you’ve enjoyed this rant, but for now I
must bid you farewell. Here’s to a fine season, a great way to blow off some
steam with good friends and forget about all this 'economy' nonsense for a few
hours a week. But now I gotta go for a drive, because this *** I know and his
fancy Audi R8 want to spend some time together before the credit crunch puts
him back behind the wheel of something more his speed 
See you out there,
Primo